Something's Fishy...

August 6th: 6.92 miles ran, 1 hour 13 minutes 45 seconds, 10:40 minutes/mile

August 10th: 9.95 miles ran, 1 hour 56 minutes 54 seconds, 11:45 minutes/mile

Power Song for this Week: "I've Got a Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. Mazel tov!

I think I'm the first person in the history of marathon training to get slower as I progress through my training schedule. According to a previous post, I ran 10.02 miles on 7/12 at a pace of 10:40 minutes per mile. One month, and 51 miles, later I ran 9.95 miles at a pace of 11:45 minutes per mile. What could have caused me to get so much slower in just a month's time? Possible explanations:

1. I turned 25. My body is not the finely tuned instrument of my younger years.

It's all downhill after 24.

2. Sammy Wanjiru (2008 Olympic Marathon gold medalist from Kenya who is making his American debut at the Chicago Marathon) is threatened by the risk I pose to break his world record of 2:05:10 and is somehow conspiring against me.

Sammy's always trying to steal my thunder. Doesn't he know this is also MY American marathon debut?

Or 3. My cheap Nike+ system isn't very accurate. Which would also explain how I could run 5.05 miles to get to the beach, but only 4.9 miles to get back. Last time I checked, "there" and "back" are the same distance...unless you ask your grandpa, who will insist that you can walk uphill to school both ways.

If I were a rockstar marathoner like Sammy (or Oprah) I would invest in one of those fancy watches that is far more precise than the chip in my shoe that feeds information to my iPod. But who really wants to spend $300 on a watch when there are much more exciting things to buy? Such as:

-300 McChicken sandwiches (not including taxes or hospital bills resulting from inevitable heart attack)

-2 or 3 Ed Hardy t-shirts (depending on style and level of tool-ness)

-This uber creepy doll on ebay

If this doesn't give you nightmares, nothing will.

Priorities Schmiorities,

Mary (Slowpoke?) Marathoner

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

Ahem. My heartfelt gratitude is long overdue to those who have supported me in my marathoning efforts. I would like to take this opportunity to give some well-deserved "shout outs" so please make yourself comfortable, dim the lights (or not....creepy....) and bear with me.

*DISCLAIMER: This list may not be all-encompassing. If I have inadvertently forgotten someone, please accept my apologies and contact my attorney. *

Now without further ado...

~Big Shout Out to my friends Jaime and Valerie who had the brilliant idea of getting me a Visa gift card for my birthday to help me buy new running shoes. After Web-MDing the symptoms I complained about in previous posts, the diagnosis provided was "ill-fitting shoes". [Note-I'm fully aware the term "Web-MDing" is not recognized by most as an acceptable entry into the English language, but I'm a big fan of making proper nouns into verbs. Googling? Diet Coking? You betcha.]

Providing Universal Health Care since 2005

So I visited Fleet Feet (my local "hardcore runners" store) to get fitted for new shoes. The conversation with the salesman went as follows:


Darren (salesguy with a name tag on): "What kind of shoes have you been running in?"

Me: "Nike Shox."

Darren: "Have you been experiencing any problems with pain or cramping in your calves?"

Me: "I love you."


Darren explained to me that Shox aren't recommended for distance running because it is essentially the same as running in high heels. He then had me run on a treadmill while he video taped my feet. He replayed the footage back for me in slow motion so he could analyze the way my foot hits the ground. The whole ordeal was strikingly similar to a scene straight out of Baywatch.

Poor Pam, she's just trying to buy new shoes in peace. Perverts.

In conclusion, Darren/My "Sole" Mate recommended a pair of Sauconys that have cured my legs of all previous ailments. Thank you, Jaime and Valerie, for giving me back cramps-free sleep.

~Equally big Shout Out to Katie, Mike, Kim, Linda, Tyler & Emily, and my anonymous donors (i.e. my parents, sister Shannon, and best friend Kelly) who have donated money to my fundraising page. The children in Africa thank you, even if they never send a courtesy note to tell you so.

~Another big Shout Out to my aunt Karen, my sisters Jennifer and Leah, my cousin Brandi, and my friends Jeny, Jenie, Joe, Camdin, Kendra, Kris, Rik, and Ted for checking out my blog and leaving some love. I'll be sure to dedicate my first best-selling novel to you guys.

You like me! You really like me!

Cue the Orchestra,

Mary Marathoner

We'll Make It...I Swear

July 25th: 11.89 miles ran, 2 hours 11 minutes 53 seconds, 11:05 minutes/mile

July 31st: 5.97 miles ran, 1 hour 1 minute, 10:20 minutes/mile

August 2nd: 12.98 miles ran (New Best!), 2 hours 32 minutes 37 seconds, 11:45 minutes/mile

Power Song for this Week's Runs: "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. (Not to be confused with last week's "Like a Prayer")

Yesterday marked a significant step in my training process: I completed a half marathon (actually I was 0.12 miles short, but who's counting?). It was definitely not easy (as evidenced by the atrocious time I posted) but I finished it, nonetheless. About the eleventh mile, when I began to think very seriously that I was going to pass out on the sidewalk, I asked myself "Why oh why didn't I settle for running the half marathon?" After all, had I only opted for the half marathon I would be done training by now.

Half Marathon Version of Mary Marathoner

But alas, I committed myself to running the entire 26.2. The Whole Enchilada. The Full Monty. And after all, how would our world be different if others had chosen to give up halfway?

~Birds, animals, people, and the Sabbath would not have been created.

~Lewis and Clark would have never discovered the west, thereby denying us Hollywood, Disneyland, and John Wayne.

~*SPOILER ALERT* Harry Potter would have never defeated Lord Voldemort, once and for all. That's right. I went there.

He's Bringing Sexy Back

On the other hand:

~Amelia Earhart would still be alive.

~Brett Favre would be remembered for his football legacy, not his inability to "let it go".

~Jon and Kate would have only had 2 kids, no reality TV show, and probably a healthy, normal marriage.

Team Kate

There's something to be said for slacking,

Mary Marathoner

25 is the New 80

July 22: 3.02 miles ran, 29 min 35 secs, 9:48 min/mile

July 23: 5.94 miles ran, 1 hour 5 secs, 10:07 min/mile

Power Song for This Week: "Like a Prayer" by Madonna. Who doesn't love the Material Girl?

*ROCKSTAR ALERT*

~My friend Katie was the first person to donate to my fundraising site! Katie-If ever you need a kidney, you know who to call. Everyone else-Don't let Katie's promptness deter you from making a donation of your own. I've got plenty of kidneys to go around.

Mi Kidney, Su Kidney

In addition to handing out kidneys, I would also be willing to trade someone calf muscles-straight up. Mine seem to enjoy playing a cruel game of "let's wake Mary Marathoner up every night by cramping and causing her excruciating pain". Seriously, between the calf cramps, stomach bloating, lower back pain, and numbness in my feet when running, I'm beginning to feel as though my body is much older than it is. Is it possible that Mary Marathoner is a real-life Benjamin Button? That would certainly explain my fondness for jigsaw puzzles and Wheel of Fortune.

What's not to love?

On second thought, I hate Jell-O AND floral wallpaper. But I wouldn't mind having dinner with Brad Pitt to further discuss my theory...

Angelina Who?

Mary "Homewrecker" Marathoner

Winnie the Pooh-Marathon Extraordinaire?

July 17-4.96 miles ran, 48 minutes 51 seconds, 9:50 minutes per mile

July 21-3.02 miles ran, 28 minutes 30 seconds, 9:26 minutes per mile (New Best!)

Power Song for Today's Run: "Going the Distance" by Cake. Naturally.

My team coach sent us an email a few weeks ago that said "You never regret the workouts you do, only the ones you skip." I'm sure the email was intended for me alone as he undoubtedly foresaw the way I would be spending this last weekend (Watching Law & Order: SVU and working on a puzzle-1, Running the 7 miles instructed on my training schedule-0).

Can you blame me? How can Benson fight crime without my support?

Apparently my overwhelming guilt lit a fire under my butt because this morning I averaged my best pace yet. Or maybe the lasting images of Detective Stabler beating some hardened criminal senseless just gave me the little boost I needed.

In other news, I was running along this morning, minding my own business, when I noticed a bit of a draft around my midsection. To my horror (and no doubt the amusement of all passersby) my shirt had begun to crawl up my stomach, exposing my flesh.

It's a much cuter look on Pooh

I couldn't make sense of the situation, as the shirt had fit fine when I put it on before my run. When I got home and fully assessed the situation, I could see that my stomach had swollen to epic proportions. I've experienced bloating while running before, but my doctor assured me it was due to the release of hormones (or something like that. I can't promise I was giving her my full attention over the latest issue of US Weeky). Now let's be honest, I'm no toothpick naturally. But I like to think that I don't walk around appearing to be 7 months pregnant, either.

So then I got to thinking of all the overweight people I see on the streets everyday (you know, the ones who unknowingly have their bodies featured on news programs about the rising obesity rate in America). And I wondered how many of those people actually have quite normal figures, but were experiencing post-running-bloating such as myself? Is it possible that everyone in line at McDonald's is also training for the marathon?

Food for Thought,
Mary Marathoner

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Today- 3.04 miles ran, 29 minutes 50 seconds, 9:48 minutes/mile (New Best!)

A couple housekeeping items:

~I celebrated a minor victory this morning by getting my butt out of bed to run at 5:45am. I knew I couldn't run tonight because I'm going to dinner with the girls for my b-i-r-t-h-d-a-y (shameless promo)

If growing up means no longer getting excited about my birthday, count me out!

Anyway so I got up, I ran, and I conquered. I would like to get in the habit of running more in the morning, but it's just that my body simply refuses to get out of bed any earlier than absolutely necessary. Try as I might to reason with it, my body INSISTS on rolling back over and snoozing until time to get up for work. My Body=Rebellious Teenager. The situation is clearly out of my hands, and I therefore will not be held accountable to it.

~My Power Song for today's run is "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" by MJ himself. Before you get all judgmental on my iPod playlist, try to tell me that you don't find yourself tapping your foot to the beat/swaying a little in your chair right now. I rest my case.

We'll never let go, Michael. We'll never let go.

~My sister Shannon has blasted me out on my picture. Obviously that is not me in the picture, but I got it off the internet because it looks a lot like the path on Lakeshore that I run. People who know me best know that the girl in the picture can't be me because she's running with a dog. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Negative Nancy people who hates small children, candy, Mr. Rogers, and anything else remotely pleasant. It's just dogs. They smell, they shed, and they lick. Need I say more?

Thanks, but no thanks.

~Aunt Karen-Bernie is the name of the Biggest Loser contestant getting weighed in the picture. If you don't know his name, it's because you didn't sneak a guilty peek to see how much he weighs. In which case, you are a better woman than I...

Little Voices Drink Hatorade

July 11- 3.14 miles, 32:55, 10:29 minutes/mile (Too slow...Woof!)

July 12- 10.02 miles (New Best!), 1 hour 46 minutes, 10:40 minutes/mile

Everyone who has ever trained for a marathon knows that the challenge of running 26.2 miles is more mental than physical. For me, the test is also spiritual.

Let's be totally honest: I can not run a marathon. I can't even run a whole mile. I will never have the self-discipline and willpower to force myself to keep going when my body is screaming at me to stop. But I figure that if God is big enough to create the entire universe, and everything that has ever and will ever live on it, surely He can knock out a marathon like it's nothing. With His eyes closed. And one hand tied behind His back. And if God has the power to run a marathon, then He can give me the strength to run one, too (albeit with both my eyes wide open and the use of all my limbs).

I was reminded of this today when Casting Crowns came on my iPod around mile 8. I've heard the song "Voice of Truth" lots of times, but never heard it heard it until today. The little voices in my head (does that sound bad?) were just starting to really have me convinced I would never finish when I heard:

The Voice of Truth tells me a different story

The Voice of Truth says 'Do not be afraid'

The Voice of Truth says 'This is for My glory'

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Dear God,

Thanks for coming through in the clutch and taking care of those annoying voices for me. Now let's discuss my thighs.

Love,

Mary